If I were to begin college again, I would do a lot of things differently. Let’s suspend reality and pretend for a minute that I knew for sure I wasn’t going to be a teacher going into college but that I still didn’t know I was called to be a youth minister. A journey into my imagination, if nothing else:
I would still decide to attend Saint Louis University and I would still be part of the Micah House program, because those were really pivotal things for me, and I wouldn’t change them.
I would, however, stick with the English major in its own, no education, and possibly a minor in theology or creative writing. I wouldn’t have to take 18 hours almost every semester, and I would be able to take classes I actually wanted to take (crazy, I know) rather than just a bunch of repetitive education courses. I would have gone farther with Spanish, something I wish I could speak even on a basic level.
I would be able to make room in my schedule to spend a semester abroad, and would hopefully go to El Salvador. I wouldn’t have to take summer classes unless I wanted to in order to be able to take more classes that genuinely interested me.
I would have had more time to get more deeply involved in something service-related without practicum and observations to worry about. I wouldn’t have to call principals every semester begging them to let me spend time every week in their schools. I would have done another extra-curricular and would have gotten to connect with more people, whether students or people I was serving.
Ceramics, guitar, piano, liberation theology, social work intro, and African-American Studies courses might have found a spot in my schedule at some point during my four years.
Sounds pretty good, right?
OK, these things aren’t life and death. I’m satisfied enough with my college decisions and I’m not angry with the way things turned out. I just wish I had had some better direction going into it, that I had realized earlier I didn’t really want to be a teacher, and that I had been able to make all those little things happen that I ended up missing out on.
Also, I trust in God’s timing. He had a plan when He waited until just before my senior year to show me His will for my life, and I am grateful for everything I learned before and everything I have learned since. It might have been easier to know from the beginning, but not nearly as educational and not nearly as challenging and therefore growth-inducing.
I might have been fumbling in the dark for a while, unsure of what I wanted to do and convincing myself I wanted a career that honestly brought me little joy. But because of this I met incredible people, learned a lot about how I view certain perspectives, and grew in innumerable ways. Sure, I wish I hadn’t been an education major, yet I really can’t imagine my life without that period, without that base. Regardless of its frustration, and even through the regret I feel over that decision, I trust that God had a plan in it.
I look back at my life and see times I have struggled and questioned His will, and though they were difficult at the time, I am continuously amazed to see how His hand was there and how those moments defined my life as it is today. It wasn’t always easy, but because of those difficult times, God has brought so much beauty and brokenness into my life. I may not be able to see it now, but I know that God has a plan in His timing.
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Oh, the memories...
Hello friends!
I just spent the weekend with Alaina, my coworker, roommate, and best friend from the summer in West Virginia. We had a great time hanging out, remembering stories, and talking about our experience together. Since I am feeling so reminiscent, and since the summer played a pivotal role in this journey toward youth ministry, I decided to just post a few pictures from my summer. Perhaps in the upcoming days I will share some more stories about my experiences with YouthWorks.
The four staff members: me, Alaina, Krista, and Adam, singing goodnight to the youth.
Singing at a nursing home, a weekly activity.
A bunch of the Kids Club kids on the steps at our housing site.
Me with some of the awesome youth I was blessed to meet this summer: Landon, Clay, Chandler, Kyle, and Eli.
There were four YouthWorks sites in WV, all within an hour and a half of each other. Here are a bunch of the staff on the Fourth of July.
Our wonderful town of Logan. "The Friendliest Town in West Virginia"
I just spent the weekend with Alaina, my coworker, roommate, and best friend from the summer in West Virginia. We had a great time hanging out, remembering stories, and talking about our experience together. Since I am feeling so reminiscent, and since the summer played a pivotal role in this journey toward youth ministry, I decided to just post a few pictures from my summer. Perhaps in the upcoming days I will share some more stories about my experiences with YouthWorks.
The four staff members: me, Alaina, Krista, and Adam, singing goodnight to the youth.
Singing at a nursing home, a weekly activity.
A bunch of the Kids Club kids on the steps at our housing site.
Me with some of the awesome youth I was blessed to meet this summer: Landon, Clay, Chandler, Kyle, and Eli.
There were four YouthWorks sites in WV, all within an hour and a half of each other. Here are a bunch of the staff on the Fourth of July.
Our wonderful town of Logan. "The Friendliest Town in West Virginia"
Thursday, October 15, 2009
10 Steps to Youth Ministry
I found this piece in Justice Kindness Humility, a blog with youth ministry-related posts and such. At first I thought this article was serious, and I was getting pretty angry before I realized that the whole thing is satire.
It is so convincing because for many people, this is what youth ministry is all about. You gear everything to what the youth consider cool and what a business-minded budget committee wants. A lot of youth pastors genuinely believe that some of these things are really vital and many implement these in their programs. Even if they wouldn’t state it quite so bluntly, the mentality behind some of these things is a driving force in many of today’s youth groups.
In truth, God calls us to much higher standards than these things, and I know He must be disappointed when He sees His people pointing toward a philosophy rather than pointing toward His face.
Here is the article in its entirety. It’s food for thought if nothing else:
10 Easy Steps to Guarantee a Successful Youth Ministry
By Mike Yaconelli
YWJ and Youth Specialties' late founder
1. Dumb down the gospel.
Employ attractive phrases, such as, "Since I've known Jesus, I'm happier, getting better grades and captain of the football team!" Even better, reduce the complexity of the gospel into group cheers (e.g., "Give me a J!") or simple worship choruses, such as, "God is so good…blah blah blah." Or even better, try out some hip slang (e.g., God is "phat"; Jesus is a "hottie").
2. Count.
Constantly make everyone aware of your group's attendance figures and the increases in attendance. Make numbers an issue by setting attendance goals for each activity and reward the group for reaching those goals. Spend lots of time throwing pies at the leaders if goals are reached.
3. Put your students on display.
As soon as kids become Christians, rededicate their lives or show real growth, put them in front of the group and have them share their testimonies—especially if they're physically attractive. Let young people talk about their faith as much as possible and don't worry about the fact that most young people have no clue how complicated and rough the real world is, with or without Jesus.
4. Don't allow down time.
Hey, kids today are MRV kids! Silence, solitude, prayer, meditation, fasting? All totally lame in the eyes of this generation! Nope, keep 'em busy, active, noisy and shuttling from one Christian rock concert to another. Fill every moment of your program with something to do. Otherwise, you'll lose their attention.
5. Stay on the technological cutting edge.
What would Jesus do? Are you kidding? Jesus would have the best sound system you ever heard, along with a DVD player, the Internet, instant messaging, the coolest Web site and a digital TV. Show your kids that when it comes to the latest technology, Christians are right there!
6. Create celebrities.
Make sure your young people get an earful and an eyeful of the latest Christian music stars, video stars and NFL players who profess their faith in Jesus on national television. Encourage them to worship, idolize and live under the illusion that these people are somehow better, deeper, more Christian, more together and more dedicated than they are.
7. Let youth group take the place of church.
Oh sure, encourage your kids to attend the contemporary service—even though you know most of them never will because church is "boring," filled with "dull, old people," and the music "sucks." Whatever you do, though, don't suggest that worshiping with people they don't like and connecting with people who are older and wiser just might help them when their adolescent view of the world is shattered.
8. Don't make waves.
Whatever you do, don't cause friction with parents by suggesting to their kids that grades, SAT scores, financial security, college degrees and scholarships matter. Just accept the fact that most parents want their children to attend youth group as long as it doesn't interfere with hockey, football, ice-skating, tennis, ballet or baseball practice. Furthermore, don't suggest that students resist their parents' attempts to smother the call of God on their lives. After all, you could get fired!
9. Ignore the arts.
Never encourage painting, dance, sculpture, writing, poetry, ballet or trips to the museum, symphony and opera. Stick with activities that rock! The WWF rules!
10. Live in the now.
Verify the success of your ministry by visible, measurable, observable results you can access now. Don't waste your time worrying about lasting results. Who can wait?! Go for the instant return. Hey, once your kids leave youth group, you aren't responsible for what happens to them anyway, right?
It is so convincing because for many people, this is what youth ministry is all about. You gear everything to what the youth consider cool and what a business-minded budget committee wants. A lot of youth pastors genuinely believe that some of these things are really vital and many implement these in their programs. Even if they wouldn’t state it quite so bluntly, the mentality behind some of these things is a driving force in many of today’s youth groups.
In truth, God calls us to much higher standards than these things, and I know He must be disappointed when He sees His people pointing toward a philosophy rather than pointing toward His face.
Here is the article in its entirety. It’s food for thought if nothing else:
10 Easy Steps to Guarantee a Successful Youth Ministry
By Mike Yaconelli
YWJ and Youth Specialties' late founder
1. Dumb down the gospel.
Employ attractive phrases, such as, "Since I've known Jesus, I'm happier, getting better grades and captain of the football team!" Even better, reduce the complexity of the gospel into group cheers (e.g., "Give me a J!") or simple worship choruses, such as, "God is so good…blah blah blah." Or even better, try out some hip slang (e.g., God is "phat"; Jesus is a "hottie").
2. Count.
Constantly make everyone aware of your group's attendance figures and the increases in attendance. Make numbers an issue by setting attendance goals for each activity and reward the group for reaching those goals. Spend lots of time throwing pies at the leaders if goals are reached.
3. Put your students on display.
As soon as kids become Christians, rededicate their lives or show real growth, put them in front of the group and have them share their testimonies—especially if they're physically attractive. Let young people talk about their faith as much as possible and don't worry about the fact that most young people have no clue how complicated and rough the real world is, with or without Jesus.
4. Don't allow down time.
Hey, kids today are MRV kids! Silence, solitude, prayer, meditation, fasting? All totally lame in the eyes of this generation! Nope, keep 'em busy, active, noisy and shuttling from one Christian rock concert to another. Fill every moment of your program with something to do. Otherwise, you'll lose their attention.
5. Stay on the technological cutting edge.
What would Jesus do? Are you kidding? Jesus would have the best sound system you ever heard, along with a DVD player, the Internet, instant messaging, the coolest Web site and a digital TV. Show your kids that when it comes to the latest technology, Christians are right there!
6. Create celebrities.
Make sure your young people get an earful and an eyeful of the latest Christian music stars, video stars and NFL players who profess their faith in Jesus on national television. Encourage them to worship, idolize and live under the illusion that these people are somehow better, deeper, more Christian, more together and more dedicated than they are.
7. Let youth group take the place of church.
Oh sure, encourage your kids to attend the contemporary service—even though you know most of them never will because church is "boring," filled with "dull, old people," and the music "sucks." Whatever you do, though, don't suggest that worshiping with people they don't like and connecting with people who are older and wiser just might help them when their adolescent view of the world is shattered.
8. Don't make waves.
Whatever you do, don't cause friction with parents by suggesting to their kids that grades, SAT scores, financial security, college degrees and scholarships matter. Just accept the fact that most parents want their children to attend youth group as long as it doesn't interfere with hockey, football, ice-skating, tennis, ballet or baseball practice. Furthermore, don't suggest that students resist their parents' attempts to smother the call of God on their lives. After all, you could get fired!
9. Ignore the arts.
Never encourage painting, dance, sculpture, writing, poetry, ballet or trips to the museum, symphony and opera. Stick with activities that rock! The WWF rules!
10. Live in the now.
Verify the success of your ministry by visible, measurable, observable results you can access now. Don't waste your time worrying about lasting results. Who can wait?! Go for the instant return. Hey, once your kids leave youth group, you aren't responsible for what happens to them anyway, right?
Reactions to My Calling
When I tell people about God calling me to be a youth minister, it’s interesting to see what people say. Reactions naturally vary depending on who I am telling and their experiences with youth pastors.
People told me they were proud of me. I got some enthusiastic high-fives. A few “that’s awesome”-type comments.
Multiple people have told me that they can really see me being a youth minister, that I have some great qualities for it. This is probably my favorite response.
A ton of people tell me how awesome it is that I know what I am doing. Some even seem a bit envious that my plans are now so clear. “What a great feeling!” is a common response to my excitement.
Some people really didn’t understand, and still don’t. They think of youth ministry as a stepping-stone to being an actual pastor, which is not my plan. Or they think of it as something I’m going to do in the meantime before I figure out what I really want to do with my life. Thankfully, these people are few and far-between. I don’t think I could handle it if I got a lot of these types of responses.
A couple people have asked me if I decided not to be a teacher because I wanted to be a youth minister, or if I decided to be a youth minister because I don’t want to be a teacher. The former is correct, meaning that I did not say “Crap, I don’t want to teach anymore. What am I going to do? Oh, I’ll be a youth pastor.” Rather, God called me to youth ministry which necessarily meant that being a teacher was no longer in the plans.
My best friend told me that the more he thought about it, the more right it seemed for me.
I had someone joke, “What does God sound like? What’s his ringtone?” If only you knew.
I have been amazed by the support I’ve received. It’s not every day that you tell people, “Well, my first three years of college were spent going in the wrong direction.” So it’s great when people are so encouraging.
Thank you, to those of you who have been so supportive. I love my call, but above all, I love the people who have been involved in helping me toward it and now as I work through it.
Have a fantastic day! I know I will!
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
People told me they were proud of me. I got some enthusiastic high-fives. A few “that’s awesome”-type comments.
Multiple people have told me that they can really see me being a youth minister, that I have some great qualities for it. This is probably my favorite response.
A ton of people tell me how awesome it is that I know what I am doing. Some even seem a bit envious that my plans are now so clear. “What a great feeling!” is a common response to my excitement.
Some people really didn’t understand, and still don’t. They think of youth ministry as a stepping-stone to being an actual pastor, which is not my plan. Or they think of it as something I’m going to do in the meantime before I figure out what I really want to do with my life. Thankfully, these people are few and far-between. I don’t think I could handle it if I got a lot of these types of responses.
A couple people have asked me if I decided not to be a teacher because I wanted to be a youth minister, or if I decided to be a youth minister because I don’t want to be a teacher. The former is correct, meaning that I did not say “Crap, I don’t want to teach anymore. What am I going to do? Oh, I’ll be a youth pastor.” Rather, God called me to youth ministry which necessarily meant that being a teacher was no longer in the plans.
My best friend told me that the more he thought about it, the more right it seemed for me.
I had someone joke, “What does God sound like? What’s his ringtone?” If only you knew.
I have been amazed by the support I’ve received. It’s not every day that you tell people, “Well, my first three years of college were spent going in the wrong direction.” So it’s great when people are so encouraging.
Thank you, to those of you who have been so supportive. I love my call, but above all, I love the people who have been involved in helping me toward it and now as I work through it.
Have a fantastic day! I know I will!
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Extent: A Few Words on Disclosure
It’s interesting to me to look at how I tell people about my calling. Obviously I talk about it in different ways in different situations according to the intent and the audience. Sometimes it is pretty clear how much I should say and not say, but there are times when I am less certain about the details I should share and how much people really want to hear.
An occasional person wants to know the whole story in its entirety (if you are one of those rare few and haven’t heard yet, feel free to check out part 1 and part 2 of my story, written in early September) and that is fantastic. These people are usually the ones I am very close to, and generally I don’t just spout off the story but rather allow their questions and reactions to shape which details I emphasize and the extent to which I allow my enthusiasm to chine through.
And although I love to tell the story and hear what people say based on that, most people don’t press me quite so far. There are people who find out that I have been called and want to know some details, but not really everything. Just enough to curb their curiosity, which is fine and makes sense.
There are times when I just say that I have been called to youth ministry and that is enough. This happened with my advisor, for example. Usually when I keep it to just a sentence it is because I am telling the person for a specific purpose and a few words works to satisfy that need.
And it is not just the length and number of details regarding my calling that come into question when sharing the story. I also feel as if I need to be cautious regarding the excitement, passion, and enthusiasm I show when explaining my new life plans. Sometimes I can be practically jumping up and down, but most people tend to be a little thrown by that. Generally I can appear confident and animated, but not overly so. Sometimes I have to tone it down a whole lot so I’m not overwhelming someone. It was difficult for me to be nonchalant about it at first (once I actually got to the point where I could start telling people), but now that comes more easily.
I continue to tell new people about my calling as I enter into deeper conversations with friends I don’t see very often and as I meet new people who ask about my future when they find out I am a senior. Still, it can be a struggle to figure out just how to explain this sudden about-face in my life plans. The best I can do is just to be honest about my passion and let them determine what they want to hear.
“The powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.”
-Walt Whitman
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
An occasional person wants to know the whole story in its entirety (if you are one of those rare few and haven’t heard yet, feel free to check out part 1 and part 2 of my story, written in early September) and that is fantastic. These people are usually the ones I am very close to, and generally I don’t just spout off the story but rather allow their questions and reactions to shape which details I emphasize and the extent to which I allow my enthusiasm to chine through.
And although I love to tell the story and hear what people say based on that, most people don’t press me quite so far. There are people who find out that I have been called and want to know some details, but not really everything. Just enough to curb their curiosity, which is fine and makes sense.
There are times when I just say that I have been called to youth ministry and that is enough. This happened with my advisor, for example. Usually when I keep it to just a sentence it is because I am telling the person for a specific purpose and a few words works to satisfy that need.
And it is not just the length and number of details regarding my calling that come into question when sharing the story. I also feel as if I need to be cautious regarding the excitement, passion, and enthusiasm I show when explaining my new life plans. Sometimes I can be practically jumping up and down, but most people tend to be a little thrown by that. Generally I can appear confident and animated, but not overly so. Sometimes I have to tone it down a whole lot so I’m not overwhelming someone. It was difficult for me to be nonchalant about it at first (once I actually got to the point where I could start telling people), but now that comes more easily.
I continue to tell new people about my calling as I enter into deeper conversations with friends I don’t see very often and as I meet new people who ask about my future when they find out I am a senior. Still, it can be a struggle to figure out just how to explain this sudden about-face in my life plans. The best I can do is just to be honest about my passion and let them determine what they want to hear.
“The powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.”
-Walt Whitman
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Hesitancy #5-235,584
Don’t worry, I don’t really have two hundred thousand reasons to be hesitant about youth ministry. Well, if I were to stretch each one out and count each sentence as a hesitancy, maybe I would. But I won’t make you suffer through that.
So here is just a laundry list of the other things that give me pause when I think about my future:
• I’m a girl. Let’s be honest: we live in a male dominated world. If the boys are having fun, the girls will usually follow. I’m not trying to be antifeminist; I’m just saying that at this point that’s how it is. So being a girl means that guys won’t take me quite as seriously. And if guys aren’t on board, girls are less likely to jump in with both feet. So I’m supposed to be a female youth minister?
• I don’t have facial hair. What kind of youth minister doesn’t have at least a goatee?
• I’ve seen the way a few churches do things, but I really can’t envision my own ministry yet. I know some of what I want and don’t want, but the big picture isn’t there yet.
• I hate money. I do not want to work on creating and maintaining a budget. I don’t want to do fundraising and I don’t want to have to be the one to tell parents they have to foot a large part of the bill for the mission trip.
• Also, I’m not into politics at all. You can ask my family. It’s not that I will not stand my ground on important issues and it’s not that I am willing to water down Jesus’ message, but I believe that a church should avoid factions and individualism and division in general. I know it will happen. My prayer is that I can stay out of it as much as possible and that I never end up in the middle. Chances of that are slim, but I really, really, REALLY do not want to have to deal with drama and disagreement in an environment in which I am striving to build stronger relationships with Christ and with one another.
• It’s difficult to get a job when so many churches want someone with experience. So the typical question arises: how do you get experience if you need experience in the first place?
• I’m not super detail-oriented. I’m organized for the most part and can be on top of things, but if there is a choice between building relationships and doing an independent task, it’s not even a question.
• I want to get more kids into the church, but I’m not going to stoop to gags and stunts and gimmicks to bring them in. My hope is that the message, the relationships, and the love will be enough. Not to say I won’t be having fun and playing some games and such, but I want it to be about the deeper stuff, too.
• I don’t speak any other languages. Not necessarily a problem in some parts of the country, but a huge problem in border towns or urban churches in places that end in “-town” (e.i. Chinatown, Germantown) or start with “little” (little Mexico, little Italy) where culture still holds tightly to its language.
I have spent the past 5 posts telling you about why I am not qualified to be a youth minister. Fun, wasn’t it?
And now I could list for you all of the reasons why I am qualified: my skills, my attributes, my personality traits, so on and so forth. But as I am continuously discovering, I have spent too long being an arrogant college student. And what’s worse, I couldn’t even see my own pride. Therefore, I will not make you suffer through that.
Just believe me when I say that for every reason why not, there are at least two reasons why. Maybe I can’t see all of them, but I am putting my faith in God and trusting Him to lead me.
“We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own. Amen."
-Oscar Romero
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
So here is just a laundry list of the other things that give me pause when I think about my future:
• I’m a girl. Let’s be honest: we live in a male dominated world. If the boys are having fun, the girls will usually follow. I’m not trying to be antifeminist; I’m just saying that at this point that’s how it is. So being a girl means that guys won’t take me quite as seriously. And if guys aren’t on board, girls are less likely to jump in with both feet. So I’m supposed to be a female youth minister?
• I don’t have facial hair. What kind of youth minister doesn’t have at least a goatee?
• I’ve seen the way a few churches do things, but I really can’t envision my own ministry yet. I know some of what I want and don’t want, but the big picture isn’t there yet.
• I hate money. I do not want to work on creating and maintaining a budget. I don’t want to do fundraising and I don’t want to have to be the one to tell parents they have to foot a large part of the bill for the mission trip.
• Also, I’m not into politics at all. You can ask my family. It’s not that I will not stand my ground on important issues and it’s not that I am willing to water down Jesus’ message, but I believe that a church should avoid factions and individualism and division in general. I know it will happen. My prayer is that I can stay out of it as much as possible and that I never end up in the middle. Chances of that are slim, but I really, really, REALLY do not want to have to deal with drama and disagreement in an environment in which I am striving to build stronger relationships with Christ and with one another.
• It’s difficult to get a job when so many churches want someone with experience. So the typical question arises: how do you get experience if you need experience in the first place?
• I’m not super detail-oriented. I’m organized for the most part and can be on top of things, but if there is a choice between building relationships and doing an independent task, it’s not even a question.
• I want to get more kids into the church, but I’m not going to stoop to gags and stunts and gimmicks to bring them in. My hope is that the message, the relationships, and the love will be enough. Not to say I won’t be having fun and playing some games and such, but I want it to be about the deeper stuff, too.
• I don’t speak any other languages. Not necessarily a problem in some parts of the country, but a huge problem in border towns or urban churches in places that end in “-town” (e.i. Chinatown, Germantown) or start with “little” (little Mexico, little Italy) where culture still holds tightly to its language.
I have spent the past 5 posts telling you about why I am not qualified to be a youth minister. Fun, wasn’t it?
And now I could list for you all of the reasons why I am qualified: my skills, my attributes, my personality traits, so on and so forth. But as I am continuously discovering, I have spent too long being an arrogant college student. And what’s worse, I couldn’t even see my own pride. Therefore, I will not make you suffer through that.
Just believe me when I say that for every reason why not, there are at least two reasons why. Maybe I can’t see all of them, but I am putting my faith in God and trusting Him to lead me.
“We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own. Amen."
-Oscar Romero
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Hesitancy #4: Extroversion
Welcome to the first post in October! The year is going so fast already!
We have come to one of my last main hesitancies (there are many more, but this is the last one I will look at with such depth), so let’s plow through it.
Quite a few of my friends will tell you about how I was when they met me. At first, when I’m getting to know people, I tend to be a little quiet, a little awkward, especially when I’m out of my comfort zone. It takes time for me to warm up to people.
But when I have warmed up, I tend to be really outgoing and energetic. I enjoy dancing and singing for any reason, or none at all. I can hold a solid conversation about a lot of things. I’m not afraid to be goofy when the situation allows. I’m really a gregarious person. It just takes me some time to get there.
The thing about youth ministry, though, is that I’m not sure how if that will work out very well. Being shy at first isn’t going to help me—first in the interview and then as I start connecting with the youth.
The first week at YouthWorks, for example, I was definitely not the same person as I was during week 4-8 as far as energy and enthusiasm go. I was hesitant, especially on Sunday when everyone would be arriving. But by the second week I was doing a much better job of getting to know participants and I was much less hesitant about being crazy and sociable.
Although I’m still working to get over my initial awkwardness, I am not nearly as shy as I was as a kid. And my comfort zone is continually expanding, so there are fewer situations in which I feel awkward, and I spend less time working to become outgoing in those situations. A lot of that can be contributed to my college experiences. I came to a university where I knew no one going in, and I made some of the best friends I’ve ever had.
Even with past and recent leaps toward all-around enthusiasm and conversationalism, I wonder if how well I will fair as a youth pastor. First of all, in an interview, the church is going to want someone who is engaging and passionate, so I will need to be able to overcome any shyness starting on the first day I meet these people in order to even obtain a job. And then once I have one, it is important to me that I work from the start to draw the youth out of their shells, that I am willing to be goofy as well as serious, that I can get up in front of them and laugh with them and not be afraid of their judgment of me in all my craziness.
Although this seems like something I can just force myself to get over—and in some ways I have been and can continue to do so—I still second guess my confidence and my gregariousness on occasion. For the most part, though, I know that once I am in that position, God will guide me to where I need to be, and He will give me strength for each day.
My aunt shared this with me the other day, and it completely floors me with its beauty and truth:
“Whatever God asks you to do, God enables you to be.”
So I will put my trust in Him with confidence that He is continuously refining me, polishing me, breaking and remaking me.
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
We have come to one of my last main hesitancies (there are many more, but this is the last one I will look at with such depth), so let’s plow through it.
Quite a few of my friends will tell you about how I was when they met me. At first, when I’m getting to know people, I tend to be a little quiet, a little awkward, especially when I’m out of my comfort zone. It takes time for me to warm up to people.
But when I have warmed up, I tend to be really outgoing and energetic. I enjoy dancing and singing for any reason, or none at all. I can hold a solid conversation about a lot of things. I’m not afraid to be goofy when the situation allows. I’m really a gregarious person. It just takes me some time to get there.
The thing about youth ministry, though, is that I’m not sure how if that will work out very well. Being shy at first isn’t going to help me—first in the interview and then as I start connecting with the youth.
The first week at YouthWorks, for example, I was definitely not the same person as I was during week 4-8 as far as energy and enthusiasm go. I was hesitant, especially on Sunday when everyone would be arriving. But by the second week I was doing a much better job of getting to know participants and I was much less hesitant about being crazy and sociable.
Although I’m still working to get over my initial awkwardness, I am not nearly as shy as I was as a kid. And my comfort zone is continually expanding, so there are fewer situations in which I feel awkward, and I spend less time working to become outgoing in those situations. A lot of that can be contributed to my college experiences. I came to a university where I knew no one going in, and I made some of the best friends I’ve ever had.
Even with past and recent leaps toward all-around enthusiasm and conversationalism, I wonder if how well I will fair as a youth pastor. First of all, in an interview, the church is going to want someone who is engaging and passionate, so I will need to be able to overcome any shyness starting on the first day I meet these people in order to even obtain a job. And then once I have one, it is important to me that I work from the start to draw the youth out of their shells, that I am willing to be goofy as well as serious, that I can get up in front of them and laugh with them and not be afraid of their judgment of me in all my craziness.
Although this seems like something I can just force myself to get over—and in some ways I have been and can continue to do so—I still second guess my confidence and my gregariousness on occasion. For the most part, though, I know that once I am in that position, God will guide me to where I need to be, and He will give me strength for each day.
My aunt shared this with me the other day, and it completely floors me with its beauty and truth:
“Whatever God asks you to do, God enables you to be.”
So I will put my trust in Him with confidence that He is continuously refining me, polishing me, breaking and remaking me.
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Hesitancy #3: Guitar
When I was in ninth grade, I made one of my rare New Year’s Resolutions and decided I wanted to learn to play guitar. Seven years later, I’m really not very good at it. I mean, not as good as I should be.
Reasons why (aka my excuses)
• I can’t figure out what strum pattern to use for a song. Once someone else has started, I can usually keep up and do just fine. But I tend to use one of the same two or three for every song, which obviously doesn’t work.
• I can’t strum and sing at the same time. Well, I can for like three songs. But only because I’ve practiced enough. The rest of the time I either screw up the guitar part (usually that one) or sometimes mess up the pitch/pace/words of the song.
• My fingers have trouble reaching anything beyond two frets away. That is a big problem for stuff like F#m, which is in some songs I really love and want to play.
• I’m not a good singer. Ok, this might seem kind of irrelevant to how I am able to play guitar, but when I can’t so one part, I kind of lose confidence, which brings me to the next point…
• I have no confidence on the guitar. When I am up in front of people playing my guitar I usually want to cry or crawl in a hole or occasionally just let every laugh at how much I suck.
This summer, with YouthWorks, I told the guy who interviewed me that I had a little bit of guitar experience, but that I never really play in front of people. I explained to him—as I’ve explained to others before and others since—that I use guitar as a way of communing with God, of putting myself in His presence. I prefer playing in my room with the door closed when as few people are home as possible. I enjoy begin able to just sit before Him and to allow the words to flow through me and impact me. I can’t do that very well in front of people. It’s just not my thing.
Well, in the way that only God can work, I ended up being hired as the lead guitar player for the YouthWorks site in Logan, WV. Sweet. I spent the next few weeks wanting to practice and get better, but not really having the time.
Reasons I didn’t have time (more excuses)
• I play ultimate Frisbee for Saint Louis University (SLU) and we were hoping to qualify for Nationals. Then we did qualify for Nationals. So we were working extra hard to do well there (13th in the nation, not too shabby for a school our size)
• I was taking 18 credit hours and things got hectic there for a while. Projects, papers, and the like.
• I led a spring break mission trip, which meant meetings and prep beforehand and then no actual spring break. It was an awesome experience, but it definitely took up a lot of time.
• I also had to write five talks in preparation for the summer, when I would be giving one a night throughout the week.
• I was involved in Monday night Prayer and Praise, a Women’s Bible study, a small group at church, and intramural sports.
Long story short: I didn’t really practice all that often. I got to training in Philadelphia directly off a plane from Nationals in Columbus, Ohio. The first time all the future worship leaders sat down to play, I became extremely overwhelmed. “These people are all better than me. I’m screwed.” My thought process continued like this throughout that half hour or so. I left the jam session and immediately went into the bathroom to cry it out. Crap.
During prep week in Logan, before the youth arrived, I labored to figure out songs I could handle that were relevant to my talks that the youth would know or at least could follow. I kind of failed. A couple of our adult leader evaluations after the first week of programming talked about how we needed a stronger singer/guitar player to lead worship. Crap again.
Well, things changed drastically when there was an abrupt staff change. Within 24 hours, two out of the four staff left and two new individuals joined us as we began our second week on our own. As always, God knows what He is doing. He sent us Krista, who played guitar.
I was overjoyed. That first week had really broken my spirit in terms of worship. I felt like I had let everyone down, especially the youth, which is the LAST thing I would every want to do. I thought that I was getting in the way of them praising Him instead of opening the door to a stronger connection with Him. Which is what I told my boss’s boss when she informed me that I would still be lead guitar even with Krista there. Well, I kind of told her that between tears of fear, frustration, and uncertainty (here we go again with me crying about guitar).
Eventually, when I professed my undying love for not playing guitar in front of people, it was decided that Krista would take over guitar for at least that week, and then we would go from there.
I spent the week getting over my stupid fear and realizing that I had to just swallow my pride (a theme of the summer and now my life, by the way). By week 4 I was generally back on my feet and started playing backup guitar. And no, that doesn’t mean it was too much easier. It was definitely great to have Krista taking the lead, but the one time she looked at me and said “You lead this one, please” before a song I had never played before, my heart essentially stopped and I couldn’t even remember what a G chord looked like.
All this goes to say: I have no confidence playing guitar in front of people. But a LOT of churches want the youth minister to do some sort of worship for the youth. I’m not ready for that. I might never be.
Sure, I might be able to find a youth to lead worship. That can be really empowering for them. Unless, of course, they’re anything like me. I can’t really count on having an awesome guitar-playing, confident high school student with a decent voice in my youth group.
At this point I’m still playing guitar, though it took me a solid month or more to pick it back up after the summer, that’s how broken I felt. I’m moving forward (I even got roped into playing backup for a retreat commissioning ceremony and I only kind of screwed up), but I’m not ready to sit in an interview and tell them that I play guitar. If this means I don’t get hired, it will be difficult and it will suck. But I’m not ready. And for now, I am working with that and through that because I believe God will lead me to where I need to be.
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
Reasons why (aka my excuses)
• I can’t figure out what strum pattern to use for a song. Once someone else has started, I can usually keep up and do just fine. But I tend to use one of the same two or three for every song, which obviously doesn’t work.
• I can’t strum and sing at the same time. Well, I can for like three songs. But only because I’ve practiced enough. The rest of the time I either screw up the guitar part (usually that one) or sometimes mess up the pitch/pace/words of the song.
• My fingers have trouble reaching anything beyond two frets away. That is a big problem for stuff like F#m, which is in some songs I really love and want to play.
• I’m not a good singer. Ok, this might seem kind of irrelevant to how I am able to play guitar, but when I can’t so one part, I kind of lose confidence, which brings me to the next point…
• I have no confidence on the guitar. When I am up in front of people playing my guitar I usually want to cry or crawl in a hole or occasionally just let every laugh at how much I suck.
This summer, with YouthWorks, I told the guy who interviewed me that I had a little bit of guitar experience, but that I never really play in front of people. I explained to him—as I’ve explained to others before and others since—that I use guitar as a way of communing with God, of putting myself in His presence. I prefer playing in my room with the door closed when as few people are home as possible. I enjoy begin able to just sit before Him and to allow the words to flow through me and impact me. I can’t do that very well in front of people. It’s just not my thing.
Well, in the way that only God can work, I ended up being hired as the lead guitar player for the YouthWorks site in Logan, WV. Sweet. I spent the next few weeks wanting to practice and get better, but not really having the time.
Reasons I didn’t have time (more excuses)
• I play ultimate Frisbee for Saint Louis University (SLU) and we were hoping to qualify for Nationals. Then we did qualify for Nationals. So we were working extra hard to do well there (13th in the nation, not too shabby for a school our size)
• I was taking 18 credit hours and things got hectic there for a while. Projects, papers, and the like.
• I led a spring break mission trip, which meant meetings and prep beforehand and then no actual spring break. It was an awesome experience, but it definitely took up a lot of time.
• I also had to write five talks in preparation for the summer, when I would be giving one a night throughout the week.
• I was involved in Monday night Prayer and Praise, a Women’s Bible study, a small group at church, and intramural sports.
Long story short: I didn’t really practice all that often. I got to training in Philadelphia directly off a plane from Nationals in Columbus, Ohio. The first time all the future worship leaders sat down to play, I became extremely overwhelmed. “These people are all better than me. I’m screwed.” My thought process continued like this throughout that half hour or so. I left the jam session and immediately went into the bathroom to cry it out. Crap.
During prep week in Logan, before the youth arrived, I labored to figure out songs I could handle that were relevant to my talks that the youth would know or at least could follow. I kind of failed. A couple of our adult leader evaluations after the first week of programming talked about how we needed a stronger singer/guitar player to lead worship. Crap again.
Well, things changed drastically when there was an abrupt staff change. Within 24 hours, two out of the four staff left and two new individuals joined us as we began our second week on our own. As always, God knows what He is doing. He sent us Krista, who played guitar.
I was overjoyed. That first week had really broken my spirit in terms of worship. I felt like I had let everyone down, especially the youth, which is the LAST thing I would every want to do. I thought that I was getting in the way of them praising Him instead of opening the door to a stronger connection with Him. Which is what I told my boss’s boss when she informed me that I would still be lead guitar even with Krista there. Well, I kind of told her that between tears of fear, frustration, and uncertainty (here we go again with me crying about guitar).
Eventually, when I professed my undying love for not playing guitar in front of people, it was decided that Krista would take over guitar for at least that week, and then we would go from there.
I spent the week getting over my stupid fear and realizing that I had to just swallow my pride (a theme of the summer and now my life, by the way). By week 4 I was generally back on my feet and started playing backup guitar. And no, that doesn’t mean it was too much easier. It was definitely great to have Krista taking the lead, but the one time she looked at me and said “You lead this one, please” before a song I had never played before, my heart essentially stopped and I couldn’t even remember what a G chord looked like.
All this goes to say: I have no confidence playing guitar in front of people. But a LOT of churches want the youth minister to do some sort of worship for the youth. I’m not ready for that. I might never be.
Sure, I might be able to find a youth to lead worship. That can be really empowering for them. Unless, of course, they’re anything like me. I can’t really count on having an awesome guitar-playing, confident high school student with a decent voice in my youth group.
At this point I’m still playing guitar, though it took me a solid month or more to pick it back up after the summer, that’s how broken I felt. I’m moving forward (I even got roped into playing backup for a retreat commissioning ceremony and I only kind of screwed up), but I’m not ready to sit in an interview and tell them that I play guitar. If this means I don’t get hired, it will be difficult and it will suck. But I’m not ready. And for now, I am working with that and through that because I believe God will lead me to where I need to be.
Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.
Today I listen
And run toward.
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