Hesitancy #2: Theology

This one is pretty big. While the previous hesitancy is something that hindered me at first, this is still a huge concern for me, one that I’m sure will be around for a while.

You see, I don’t know a whole lot about theology. My own theology, first of all, is still in the making. My core faith is in Jesus: in His saving love, His unending grace, His beautiful joy, and His promise of peace. A large part of what I believe also comes from my assertion that I need to see Christ in EVERY person and to treat them as such. This involves how I relate to people, how I serve the broken and rejected, and how I treat every person with whom I come into contact. I also believe that we have a God who comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable (thank you, Shane Claiborne).

Other than that, I’m not necessarily the most theologically developed individual in the world. Let’s face it, I find Thomas Aquinas, Erasmus, and Voltaire a bit over my head. I’m only mildly interested in John Wesley, Paul Tillich, and Thomas Merton. I really have no idea what systematic theology, exegesis, hypostatic union, or eschatology mean. Alright, I admit that most high school students won’t be concerned with these things, but that’s not the point.

Probably my biggest fear in youth ministry is that I won’t be able to make a difference in the lives of the youth. So what do I do when the big issues come up? When they ask how an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving God lets stuff like wars and natural disasters and genocide happen? When they bring up God killing people in the Old Testament? When they ask me about my stance on hell, divorce, drinking, homosexuality, and more? How do I adequately discuss consubstantiation VS transubstantiation, infant VS adult baptism, women in ministry, or the role of church in state? Some of those can be make or break for a high school youth on the edge of finding his or her faith in God. What happens when I don’t have the answer?

Of course I know that I don’t always have to have the answer, that there are tons of resources, that I could talk to my pastor or a mentor if I were questioned, that I could investigate it with the youth by my side. But there are definitely things that I should know that I just don’t. Which is why seminary would be helpful.

As I thought about my calling for those first few days, I had this image of myself in front of a group of fifteen youth, asking if they had any questions about a lesson I had just given. One of them lays out this really relevant and eloquent question, and I don’t know the answer. I’m standing in front of them, and I really have no idea, not even an educated guess. This picture is enough to scare me a little, to make me rethink youth ministry.

There’s not a hard and fast way to get rid of this obstacle. It will take time, energy, and faith to move to the point where I’m not terrified by this image. And I am sure that something like this will happen at some point. For now, I will try to read some of those theologians, if only abbreviated versions. I will try to find the strength to ask myself those deep, difficult questions so that I will not only be ready for the challenge of some curios youth, I will also be ready for my own testing, for my own strengthening of faith.


From "Peanuts" by Charles Schultz

Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.

Today I listen
And run toward.

Hesitancy #1: Denomination

As I previously mentioned, when I sat down with Ryan to discuss my calling, I had (I thought) a solid list of reasons why I could not be a youth minister. He pretty much shot them down easily, but I haven’t been able to let go of them quite so flawlessly. Oh, and these are in no particular order. So here goes, with one of the big ones: my denomination.

I was brought up Catholic (a story for another day), but this didn’t really have a big role in the origins of my faith. Quite the opposite, I would say. It was more of an obligatory attendance, with my parents dragging me along each Sunday. What eight-year-old wants to wake up early to get dressed mice to sit and listen to something that is way over her head? Not I.

But in seventh grade, right after I started believing on God for real and having a relationship with Him, a friend invited me to her Protestant church. I kept going back and there was a fading in/fading out process where I went to the Mass less and less and went to United Memorial Christian Church (UMCC) more and more.

UMCC was the place where I first started to realize the importance of community and accountability in a gathering of believers. It was a Disciples of Christ (DOC) Church, a small denomination that tends to be pretty middle of the road, not too liberal but not too conservative, with elements of both in the services and in the way it approaches outreach and ministry. I enjoyed the DOC denomination and it definitely led me to better understand my faith. It also ushered me entirely into Protestantism by the 10th grade.

During my senior year, I also went to a nondenominational church on a weekly basis for their Wednesday night youth group. They had a worship band and a really passionate and dynamic youth minister, and it was a really refreshing experience to see students from a lot of different social groups on fire for Christ.

When I drove ten and a half hours and began going to college in St. Louis, the church searching began again. Freshman year I did not have a car and most of my friends were Catholic, so I ended up going to the church on campus for their weekly Mass, since it felt wrong and out of place not to go to anything on Sundays. But though I felt God more there than I had at Mass as a child, I knew that the Catholic Church wasn’t the place for me.

I spent some time at the beginning of sophomore year (when I had a car again) visiting a few churches. I started with DOC ones, since I had a background there. I spent a few months at one place, but it didn’t really fit my needs, so I hopped around again. At the end of the summer between my sophomore and junior years, I decided to really seek out the right church for me. I visited nondenominational, DOC, Presbyterian, and Methodist before I stumbled upon The Gathering United Methodist Church (UMC).

I have been going to The Gathering for a little over a year now, and I have found the small groups, worship, and community very fulfilling. I really love this church. The pastor is passionate, dynamic, and relevant. The people are kind and involved. The service does a great job integrating the old with the new, particularly in the music and in communion.

The problem with this whole situation is that I don’t really associate myself with any particular denomination. I know some of what I’m not: I’m not Catholic, I’m not Southern Baptist, I’m not Episcopalian, I’m not Lutheran. But know what I’m not doesn’t mean I know what I am. I could be happy at a DOC church, a UMC church, a nondenominational church, or maybe something I haven’t tried yet.

In some ways, not being a particular denomination opens the door to a lot of possibilities. But it also makes it difficult to choose what the next step will be. If eventually I decide to go to seminary, I will need to commit to some sort of denomination for this training. What seminary I go to will likely be determined by where I end up working. So my first job could decide my denomination for the rest of my life. Which is a LOT of pressure.

Not being a denomination also gets in the way of being a youth pastor to begin with, because the average Christian-related job application has a little blank for denomination. If a church wanted to know what church I grew up in, the answer isn’t really cut and dry. I’ve heard that most churches would just want me to commit to attending their services each Sunday to hire me, that they would ask if I agreed with their basic theological doctrines. That is all good and well, but I feel uncomfortable saying that I am ___blank___ when I’m not really sure. You know?

I know that this might seem like a small hesitancy, but I really feel unprepared when it comes to denomination. This was an obstacle to me deciding to be a youth pastor, and now it continues to be a block I have to get over as I spend time reflecting on my future. It’s just something I will have to work with as it comes, but I would like to be a little more prepared. Thoughts? What am I?


Today I turn around
Stop running away from Him.

Today I listen
And run toward.